The Fiddler

The Fiddler is the fifth chapter in the Wombles Two. If you were looking for the character, see John Steed.

Back at the vombleation, I mean wombleation, the music was now different. Steed, One Ten, and Dr King came back and said, “That music sounds very familiar!”  It went:

Da Da Da Da! Da Da! Da Da Da Da! Da Da! Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da!

Peter got out his forget-me-darts and hit Rover with one. Rover was now confused. He went away to try and find out who he was. “That was creepy. Shall we go and stuff Steed then?” asked Peter. Emma replied, “In a minute. First I need to make an announcement to my wombles.”

When she arrived at the burrow, she went in MESO and spoke through the important announcement microphone. She said, “Attention wombles of Wimbledon. A good few strange events have been happening whilst you were celebrating the wombleation, and now I am asking you to either side me or um, well, um… I don’t know whether to call him John or Steed, but you must side one of us.”  Most of the wombles shouted, “Emma! She is our leader!”  While a few discussed that this probably meant that Emma had gone back to Peter, so they said, “John or Steed, whatever you want to call him!”  And the womblets only really knew Steed, so voted him.

A great shudder went across the grounds of the Avengers HQ as Steed’s house was lowered down. Steed decided to keep Tara’s house and car as well as his own things because she sided with Cathy. The houses were joined together and all the girly things were thrown into dustbins. It didn’t take long because Steed had found all of the Classy Glass Window Cleaning Company. Mr Class and his window cleaners had joined Steed, Dr King, Venus, One Ten and the Dreemykreem milkman.

They went around the HQ building and changed it to stop the silly avengers who gone bad but didn’t know getting in. There was only one thing left. Emma’s Lotus had to go back in return for his Bentley. Steed sent the milkman to do this in case Emma or Peter killed him.

The milkman tried the Cafeeee first. Emma wasn’t there but for good measure he drugged all the drinks with the Lie Drug. She wasn’t at her apartment either. He also tried the old burrow. All the drinks were now drugged at each place. He finally found Emma just leaving the main burrow with Peter. They were holding hands and a bit absent minded so he slipped one of new Lie Milk miniatures into the hand of each. They drank them without thinking. The milkman stood in their way and asked Peter “Will you go away now?”  “YES!” he said a bit surprised. He stalked off wondering why he agreed to go.

Mrs Peel was asked “Will you give me the light green Bentley?”  “YES I WILL!” she shouted angrily. She was confused now as she drove over to the milkman. Later she was even more confused as the milkman knocked her out with a milk churn. He left the Lotus by the burrow and drove the Bentley back to HQ.

Cathy was going around the Cafeeee asking if her customers were enjoying their meals. “No” they all said. She was confused. One of the customers who looked a bit like Steed but also like a broken robot asked her “Do you own this café?”  “No” she said. “Can I have it?” he asked “YES YOU CAN!” she shouted back. It was no good though because she had already given it away.

Tara had gone mad. She kept singing like Venus. Her main song was,

“I’ll get Venus out the way, maybe put her in a trap say, If I’m gonna marry Martin, the Venus murder better get startin’, Oh I just can’t wait to be Tara King!”

Dr Keel was worried now. “Hello! Is anybody around? Can I come out now?”  Nobody came. Outside Steed and Mr Class were nodding. “Good we’ll leave him here.”  They used Idaho’s lorry to move Dr Keel in the glass to the Scottish countryside. Steed and Mr Class jumped into his new Lotus Europa and sped off to the HQ. Some while went by before a womble in a kilt found the glass case. “Hello! Och what can this be? I’ll neever understand humans!”  He rushed off. “Dr Keel shouted “wait”. However he needn’t have worried because the womble came with a lot more wombles. The first womble he saw shouted “1, 2, 3, push!” because his doctor had forbade him pushing. The other wombles pushed the cylinder into a giant cavern. Dr Keel was bruised from being rolled over and over. The womble that didn’t push banged a gong (made of an old metal tray, butchers hook and shopping trolley). Then all the wombles sat down waiting. Dr Keel wondered what for. The sound of an enormous footstep shook the burrow. The footsteps were getting nearer.

The footsteps kept coming then suddenly stopped. All the wombles got up and started playing the air guitar. As they did that a huge cloud monster walked in. The wombles all sang “Hey you! Get off of my cloud! Hanging with the wombles crowd!”  The cloud monster held up a fluffy white hand and they stopped. “Who is this?” he boomed. The womble who couldn’t answered him  “It’s a wee man in pickle jar!”  “Pickle? Pickle! I love pickle!” shouted the cloud monster. A huge fluffy hand picked up Dr Keel’s prison. He was carried out of the cave then the monster flew up to his cloud.

Steed arrived at his apartment and went down the pole. He landed at the bottom with a green bowler hat and suit and dropped his umbrella and didn’t notice it being taken by a Scottish womble. He was confused. “Why did my suit turn green?”  He was so confused that he got a black marker pen and drew question marks all over his suit and put one on the front of his bowler.

The wombles that had sided with Mrs Peel (Orinoco, Shansi, Tomsk, Madame Cholet and Bungo) were being taught about their enemies by Mrs Peel. The immediate one to come up was Steed. “He will probably fiddle with our stuff to find out our plots.” Said Mrs Peel. “So we will know him as the Fiddler.”

Steed looked outside to clear his head. It was night time now. Suddenly the dark sky was lit up with an oval that had bowler hat in the middle. Steed understood immediately. “The Hat Signal!” he exclaimed and rushed across the lawn to HQ. One Ten was waiting for him with Mr Class. “Yes One Ten what is it?” asked Steed. One Ten looked very serious. “You can no longer be known as Steed, too obvious, from now we have code names!” “Code names” repeated Steed. “Yes you are now the Fiddler!”  “Fiddler” repeated Steed. “I can’t play musical instruments!”  “No” said One Ten “because you fiddle with the enemy’s stuff.”  “Oh I see!” replied Steed, er, The Fiddler. “I suppose you want me to drive my light green Bentley on missions now?”  “Of course you should!”  Steed headed to his light green Bentley and found that it hand question marks painted on it in black. One Ten shouted through the window “You don’t know what I need you for!”  Steed went back in to find Wellington AKA Super Womble with One Ten and Mr Class. “Something is happening at the Cafeeee. Cathy is up to a trick. Find out what it is and take Super Womble!”

Steed and Super Womble headed out to the Cafeeee but the sign said Eat At Joe’s. They walked in and were greeted by the Positive Negative man. He looked a bit broken. “Steed! Wellington!” he greeted them warmly. “I’ve taken Cathy’s Cafeeee for myself!”  “Oh can I give it back to Mr Class then?” asked Steed. “Er, no” replied Positive Negative man.