Build a Better Batmobile

Build a Better Batmobile is the seventh chapter in the Wombles Seven.

Back in Room 104, Audrey noticed that the metal claw was Harry’s (Not Harry Potter). He had a metal claw now because he had lost his metal hook when trying to kill Katy on her orders, just after Satsumo and the other CRACKED Katycats had done the same. “Harry? How do you get here? Please, please tell me you can get us out!”  Audrey’s eyes were pleading with Harry as moved forward into full view but something was wrong. Harry was crawling leaving a trail of blood.

The blood was steadily oozing out of his right leg. What was left of his right leg. Ironically what was right was his left leg, which was fine. His right leg was cut off at the knee. Harry sounded passionate and desperate in equal measure when he said “Audrey I be bleeding! Save me and I’ll be your captain forever! We’ll sail the high seas! But first you’ll need to stop me dy’in.”

“I’ll try” replied Audrey who was already looking around for anything to help him with. “Hang on I’ll see what’s Room 101!” she gasped. Five minutes later she came back with shopping trolley full of things. “We were lucky” she said “there are people just outside putting new things in Room 101.” “What do they be?” asked Harry. “Well” replied Audrey “Matt Ryan put in surgery, so we got a load of surgical instruments. Daniel Craig put in baseball. He gave us a hard ball and metal bat. Finally Daniel Radcliffe put in dangerous tools because stupid people keep hurting themselves with them. We got a drill, jigsaw and blowtorch from that one.”

“Who be the most influential guest?” asked Harry who really should have been worrying about bleeding to death. “Matt Ryan I think but I was only half listening at that point.”  She replied just as the door to Room 104 was flung open. Audrey and Harry were looking at a very surprised Frank Skinner.

“What are you doing here? You’re both supposed to be in Room 101!” exclaimed a jolly looking Skinner. “Why do that be?” asked Harry, who seriously needed treatment now. Skinner replied with a smile “Johnny Depp put pirates into Room 101 because people keep forgetting all his films except for Pirates of the Caribbean.”  “Why me?” asked Audrey. “Bad memory? You do remember Katy? Our Queen? She wants you here!”  Skinner’s last words were quite true so Audrey couldn’t really argue.

Instead she just knocked out Skinner with the baseball bat. She used the surgical kit to replace Harry’s  right knee with the baseball. Next she cut off the end of the baseball bat and welded it to the baseball. The blowtorch stemmed the bleeding and now Harry was going to be OK. Even if he was in agony. He howled in pain. Audrey looked for something to kill the pain and found a brick. She knocked Harry out cold then dragged him by the left foot through a TV studio and out into a London street.

Bruce Wayne was heading out to Soton via a shopping trip. A big shopping trip. This was his list written in the back the new Silver Ghost.

Kevlar body armour, black

Metal helmet, black

Flexible bullet-proof sheeting, black

Toughest boots imaginable, black

Blowtorch, prefer black

Hammer, black would be nice

Sheet steel, have to be silver I guess

Gas mask, black

Heavy duty metal cutters, can they be black?

Grappling hook, black

RPG, black

Alfred cruised to a stop in a rather less than legal looking place. There was a big warehouse with a corrugated metal door. Bruce cautiously entered. It was dark to start but the lights came suddenly on almost blinding Bruce for a moment. A large American soldier stood before him. “Can I help you buddy?” asked the soldier. “Well I hope so” replied Bruce handing over the list.

“Well hell yes I sure can! Anything for a fellow American! The brits don’t have no guts to carry any real hardware. I’ll just go get you’re goodies!”  The soldier went away for about an hour. Bruce was starting to worry when a old green jeep came roaring towards him. “Here ya go! All the gear ya wan’ed and a few extras thrown in. Hell you can even keep the jeep!”

Bruce was pleased. “How much soldier?” he asked. “Let’s say you make me an offer?” replied the soldier. “OK how about half a mil?” Bruce suggested. The soldier aimed the RPG at Bruce. “A million?” Bruce said rapidly doubling the offer. The soldier smiled gave him the jeep key with the armoured vehicle loaded with his purchases.

“Sir if you will permit me I have a suggestion of where to take your, er, shopping”  Alfred had an uncanny knack of speaking the right words at the right time. “Go on” replied Bruce. “Follow me sir” said Alfred heading to the Silver Ghost. The Rolls Royce pulled away from the warehouse with Bruce following in the huge jeep.

They were heading to the coast and Bruce wondered how they would avoid being obvious to the invaders. Suddenly Alfred turned off the main highway into a field. There was a big, wide sign saying “private keep out” ahead but Alfred kept driving. Bruce trusted Alfred with his life but was starting to wonder. To his surprise the sign just moved down to the ground. The hillside opened up after that and Alfred drove straight in. Bruce followed and the sign went back up with hillside closing behind.

Bruce parked the jeep on a turntable in middle of what turned out to be a limestone cave. “Your workshop sir” announced Alfred. “Don’t tell me, you took the liberty of purchasing the land whilst I was unavailable” said Bruce smiling for a change. “And then created a workshop using your old Army and Air Force network!” he added. “Indeed sir” replied Alfred. “Let’s get to work then” Bruce suggested. Alfred got changed into overalls and gave some to Bruce.

They worked for hours on the jeep. First upgrading the engine to take on pretty anything but an F1 car. The bodywork was armour plated and made black. A steel bat was welded on the bonnet and an angular spoiler fitted to the back. A cab was fitted with bulletproof blackout glass. The RPG launcher was mounted on the roof.

Next they made a new bat suit. The cowl was replaced with a steel helmet. The old suit was combined with the Kevlar. The bullet proof sheeting was added to the legs. The gas mask filter was fitted in the helmet. The old boots were replaced by the new tougher ones. The right arm of the suit had a launching device fitted with the grappling hook.