The Cat, The Bat and the Guinea Pigs

The Cat, the Bat and the Guinea Pigs is the tenth chapter in the Wombles Six.

Murdock looked out the window of his bomber. He suddenly realised he was about to drop a giant block of cheese on a pet shop. He didn’t want to do that so landed.

Suddenly he realised that he had scared all the pets by hovering a bomber over the shop. They all ran out. Murdock started counting the guinea pigs. “One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven… oh.”  He knew that there were meant to be nine guinea pigs in there.

At that moment he heard squeaking from inside. Somehow he could understand guinea pig language and was rather confused. The squeaking appeared to translate as, “To the Guineamobile!”

The two guinea pigs who had been inside suddenly rolled out on a yellow Lego car. They crashed into Murdock’s foot. “Squeak squeak squeak squeak!” said one of them, which in English translates as, “Move it or lose it, Tiger-boy!”  Murdock scratched his head. “What?” he said. “Why?” “Squeak squeak squeak!” said the other guinea pig, or: “Just get out the way!”

Murdock moved and the guinea pigs rolled along more in the Guineamobile. As they did he sang the words he saw on the back of the Lego vehicle. “Carmy! And Claire!”

Charlie & Gambit were dancing at their wedding wearing sapphire rings. Diana was still there trying to figure out what on Earth had gone in her conversation with Charlie earlier. Then a woman in a catsuit, mask  & low gold belt with a gold gun & brunette hair leapt in through the window. She landed on all fours. Charlie stopped dancing. “Who are you?” she asked.

The woman looked annoyed. “Catwoman, of course.” She said. “That cannot possibly be your name.” replied Charlie. “Why not?” asked Catwoman. “Just shut your mouth & eat your mince pies.” She threw 2 mince pies at Charlie & Gambit. They just shrugged & went to eat them. “Just a minute! Just a minute.” Said Catwoman. “What?” asked Charlie & Gambit. “Just go ahead & eat your mince pies.” Said Catwoman. After eating half of their mince pies, Charlie & Gambit were getting a bit freaked out by the strangeness.

Catwoman took the rest of the mince pies & laughed. The mince pies said in Charlie & Gambit’s voices, “It has worked.” “When the mince pie is half-eaten, it will have your voice, dogs.” Said Catwoman. Charlie tried to say, “What? We’re not dogs!”, but of course she couldn’t.

Catwoman leapt back out the window & landed on all fours again. She crashed into a blue-haired woman in a weird bikini. “Who the heck are you?” she asked. “Katy Perry.” They replied. “And don’t talk like that to me! OK, Katycats!” Her hypnotized army, Tara & Mrs Peel all appeared. “Don’t steal my lines!” snapped Catwoman. “Well, alright then!” replied Katy & tried again. “Katykittens!” “Stop stealing my lines or I’ll shoot.” Said Catwoman, getting out her gun. Katy tried a third time. “Katycat’s claws!” “Right! Down you go.” Said Catwoman, positioning her gun.

Katy sighed. “I’m not meaning to steal your lines!” she said. “I don’t even know any of them!” “Well, why don’t we team up & have a little fun then?” “Sure.” Said Katy. “What are you aiming for?” “Lots & lots & lots.” Said Catwoman. Then she added, “But there’s one thing I’m always unsure about.” “And what is that?” asked Katy. “Whether or not I want to kill Batman.” Replied Catwoman. “Well, I know nothing about him so you’ll have to decide that yourself.” Said Katy.

Baron Von Vomble was laughing at Commander Bond and Colonel Decker. He found it so funny that they were arrested with him that he fell over onto Bond. Baron was confused. Bond just fell over and hit Decker. They both crashed to the floor and their heads fell off. “Vot! No blood Ja?” said Baron to nobody. He looked closer. They were just dummies!

Bond and Decker woke up in a big black sporty car with fins. They looked around to find themselves surrounded by big computers with lights flashing on and off. Batman appeared from behind one of them. “Sorry about that citizens but I had to confuse Von Vomble. I’ve been tracking them since they raided the Gotham First National Bank and stole Chief O’Hara’s airship.”

“I’m no citizen caped man with pants on the outside. The name’s Bond, Commander James Bond, Army Intelligence and New Avengers” replied Bond. “You work with Cap America?” asked Batman. “Not those Avengers soldier!” shouted Colonel Decker. “We work with Steed!” he continued. “I’ll see what the Batcomputer says” replied Batman. It whirred and flashed then pinged and a card came out. Batman read it. “John Steed wanted for mass murder!” read Batman.

“It’s not that simple” explained Bond. “SCARE are framing him and his wife Cathy” finished Decker. Batman checked SCARE in the Batcomputer, ping, out came the card. “Society for Chaos, And Ransack Everywhere, SCARE, leader Edward Bruin AKA Mr Teddy Bear” read Batman. “Please drink this he said to Bond and Decker. “What is it?” asked Bond. “Bat Truth Exactor” replied Batman.

Bond and Decker drank it then told Batman everything they knew. “OK I’ll help the New Avengers against SCARE, you can help me to send Catwoman UP THE RIVER!” shouted Batman. Bond and Decker were a bit confused why he kept going on about the river but there was no time to ask anything. Batman knocked them out with Bat Gas.

The New Avengers landed back at Rider Ranch. Then a small engine was heard. A small lego helicopter landed. Two guinea pigs got out. They squeaked at Murdock and he squeaked back. “Carmy and Claire would like to introduce themselves and ask for help to catch Dr Trouble and Trouble Twins!” he announced. Just as Steed was going to say something. A black helicopter with wings landed. Batman got out with Bond and Decker.

Back in London Mr Teddy Bear woke up under the rubble of his factory. He was trapped under the weight of it. So were Tara, Venus and Mrs Peel in Scotland.