Death & Queens

Death & Queens is the fourth chapter in the Wombles Eight.

Lisbon was still standing next to Venus’ body, waiting for the police of south-east England to answer her call. She was surprised to hear a woman who sounded a bit like Mr Punch answer it.

“Hello? Who is it?” asked Mrs Peel. “Agent Lisbon, CBI.” Replied Lisbon. “What do you want? I’m trying to make wedding plans!” snapped Mrs Peel. “That’s nice.” Answered Lisbon, trying to hold in a laugh at the thought of Mr Punch making wedding plans dressed in a police uniform. “Yes, isn’t it.” Said Mrs Peel dreamily. “Well, sorry to delay you, but I’ll need your forensics team to come down to leigh-on-sea.”  “What forensics team!” snapped Mrs Peel, turning angry again. “I’m not the police!”  “You’re not?”  “Of course I’m not! There are no official police in London! Go away!” Lisbon was now very confused. “Do you have a cold?” she asked, “Yes, actually, it’s driving me crazy.”  “Well, I hope you get better soon. “Do you now? I don’t believe you! You don’t care about me, nobody does! Apart from my perfect Paul, of course… but you don’t! NOW STOP TALKING TO ME!” Mrs Peel ended the call. Lisbon just stared at her phone.

Cathy had gone to a court to arrange her and Paul’s divorce. There was a very old woman behind the desk, completely concentrated on her legal documents. “Hello,” said Cathy. The old woman fell off her seat at the speed of light. Then she disappeared. The Flash then ran up to the seat and sat in it. “Hello Cathy, nice to see you again.” He said, “Sorry for the inconvenience, but you just frightened that woman, and since she’s a speedster like us, going at the speed of light knocks her into the speed force. Let me just go and fetch her for you.”  The Flash ran away again, and then came back and returned the old woman. Then he left.

“Oh, hello, missy.” Said the old woman in a voice that reminded Cathy of Meowyskin, “What can I do for you?”  “I’d like to get a divorce.” Replied Cathy. “Okay. Name?” “You don’t recognise the queen?” “Anna?”  “No, that was the previous queen.”  “Oh, sorry. I spend a lot of the time in the speed force, so I don’t keep up with the world. What’s your name, your majesty?” “I’m Mrs Catherine Ste-Gale.” “Well Mrs Stale, I’ll be back with you in a second.”  “Gale. Not Stale.”  “Right.” The old woman walked into an office.

Katy was flipping through the pages of a spell book she’d stolen. She didn’t actually know who it belonged to. “Tara!” she called. Tara came immediately. “Yes, Your Majesty?” Katy smiled wickedly. “I need a recipe.” She said. “For what?” asked Tara. “I don’t know. Anything.”

“OK then, I’ll find a recipe for thunder and lightning ice-cream.” Said Tara, about to leave. “Wait, no.” said Katy. “I have a better idea. I can use two spells at once..”

“Two spells at once…?” asked Tara. “Yes, two spells at once.” Replied Katy. “I can bake love-spell cookies, and then cast a poisoning spell on them.”

“You want everyone to love you and then die??”

“No. The poisoning spell will just make everyone wild and wicked. But they’ll also love me, so I will have a new army of Katycats.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Are you challenging me?” demanded Katy. Tara left the room, saying, “Of course not, Your Majesty.”

Tara headed out to a café and ordered a cherry milkshake and a slice of gold-dusted brownie. A girl showed up and sat straight at her table. “Who are you?” asked Tara. “Actually, you know what? I don’t care, just go find your own table.”

“Are you Tara Keel?” asked the girl. “Yes…….?” Said Tara. “OK, now I do care. Who on Earth are you?”

“My name is Isabelle Lightwood.” Replied the girl. “I told my friends that I came here looking for them, and actually, that was the original reason, but there’s also another and-“

“Not your name.” said Tara. “Who are you?” Isabelle just said, “Someone who needs to speak with you. For your own benefit.”

“If you need to speak with me about something then just do it.” Said Tara as her milkshake arrived and she clasped a hand around it. “Not here.” Said Isabelle in an urgent whisper. “You have heard the ‘rumour’, right?” asked Tara. “I know more than you think I know.” Said Isabelle. “Just…meet me, OK? Meet me tonight outside of here.” And she left.

Cathy felt rather strange arranging a divorce with a man who was pronounced dead after getting murdered while she was also married to someone else. She felt even stranger when she looked out the window and saw a tiger roaming through the street. Cathy stared at the tiger. The tiger stared at Cathy. Cathy decided she was hallucinating. The tiger decided to smash through the window and attack Cathy. Cathy decided she definitely wasn’t hallucinating.

The tiger thought it was bizarre that the Queen didn’t seem to know that there was a minister for tigers and insanity now. Cathy thought it was a bizarre that a tiger was attacking her.

Katy, meanwhile, was still reading through spells. She was also daydreaming in between. “Oh, how I’d love to be the one to kill you, Queen Lady Catherine Anne Steed the Sixth.” She muttered to herself.