Mansion Trap

Mansion Trap is the fortieth chapter in the Wombles Eight.

Diana appeared to be just as surprised as Bond was, but he decided to make sure. “What is that thing?” he asked.

“I have no idea.” Replied Diana, standing up and pulling Bond up with her. She walked cautiously toward it, then stared at the middle, which seemed to be doing no harm, but was very odd, especially as it showed up without warning in the most remote place on the whole of the planet. Diana slowly and cautiously reached out her hand to touch it, but found that she couldn’t. It was just light, nothing solid. Diana moved her hand further, expecting it to just come straight through the other end, but instead her whole body was sucked inside and Bond was left standing alone in the Fortress.

“Diana!” he shrieked, and he ran in after her. Everything went blue and Bond felt as though gravity had been completely erased. In reality this only lasted for a minute but it felt like an hour to Bond. He was half relieved when he re-emerged sitting on a wooden chair in a mansion, but he was a great deal less relieved when he realised that he was tied to the chair and who was standing in front of him.

“Kathryn Hudson!” he said while glaring menacingly.

Katy held a gun to him. “I am not Kathryn Hudson!” she yelled, “My name is Katy Perry!”

“If you say so.” Replied Bond, “But what do you want with me?” “Nothing, really.” Sighed Katy, “It’s just that one of my slaves escaped and I need a replacement.”  “Why me?”  “Because you’re easy to capture.”  “I also escape easily.”  Katy laughed. “Escape? Here? You’re twenty storeys above the ground, you can’t exactly jump out the window! And even if you do manage to untie yourself, my guards will catch you if you try to go down the stairs! So good luck with that!”

Katy left the room to tend to some other business, leaving Bond to look around for means of escape. As soon as he looked to his right he saw Batman sitting slumped in a chair identical to the one Bond was tied to. “Psst” Bond whispered, “Batman! Wake up!”

Batman looked up at Bond drowsily. “James Bond!” he said. “You killed M!”  “Yes I did, but I had my reasons.” Replied Bond hastily. “For now we need to shove that aside and work together to escape!” “It’s no use.” Replied Batman sadly. “I used the knives in my gloves to cut the ropes, but it’s too far down through the window, and Perry’s got guards everywhere. There were people who escaped before, but that was before she hired all these new people. She’s even got a deal with the sirens to keep me here. Apparently they need me to replace the duties of one of the prisoners who escaped. I’m being forced to build breaches-“ Batman saw that Bond didn’t understand what he meant. “-Teleporters. That’s what brought you here. They’re making me practice by bringing new slaves with the excuse of replacing the other escaped prisoners, but eventually they’ll make me build breaches to whole other universes, so that Perry can have what she’s always wanted- multiversal domination.”

“Why does she want that?”

“Because she’s insane, that’s the only conclusion I could come to. We all dream of sitting in the seat of power, but for her it’s more than a pipedream. She’s doing everything she can to make it happen. And it will happen. That’s inevitable. We’re in the endgame now… We can’t win.”

“We can!”

“No, we can’t. I thought the same thing when I woke up here, but reality dawned on me when I saw the bodies of all the people who have tried to escape. There’s no escaping this mansion. It’s impossible, just like it’s impossible that I’ll ever get my back fixed. Yes, that’s right. I tried to escape too. I was prepared for most of the guards, they were good fighters, but not a match for a man who was trained by Ra’s Al Ghul himself. Until the last one. A man the size of a tree who calls himself Bane. He had enhanced skills and strength, and he snapped my spine clean in half. I can’t stand up anymore. It’s painful enough when I’m not moving.”

Bond paused before asking, “Are the sirens here?”

“No. I overheard a conversation between Perry and one of her servants, Dora Aniston. Perry’s led Catwoman to believe that she is free to go and part ways with her in return for bringing me here. But Perry’s only deceiving her. Harley’s gone to join a street racing gang in London. I don’t know about Ivy but I know she left too. Chances are that she’s opening a shop of her perfumes so she can subtly test them on people. But who knows.”

“Quinzel joined a street racing gang? Do you know which one?”  “I think it’s called the Red-hot Riders, but we don’t need to know that. Everything is pointless now.”

Just then Bond felt a vibration in his pocket. It happened three more times before Bond realised that it was his phone ringing. If he answered it, with luck he might be able to get help from the caller. But he couldn’t answer with his hands tied up.

Bond wriggled and pulled the chair toward Batman. Batman watched mournfully as Bond’s chair tipped over onto its side. “Cut my ropes.” Said Bond. “What’s the point?” asked Batman. “Just do it will you!”  Batman, still looking mournful moved his glove toward the ropes restraining Bond and cut them quickly, then held his head in his hands and continued to sulk.

Bond rummaged for his phone and then answered the call. “Sir James Bond speaking.” He said. “Commander Bond, it’s Cathy. I need your help.” Came the reply. “Sorry your majesty but I’m somewhat tied up in other affairs right now.” “What affairs?”  Bond hoped that Cathy would understand his coded talk. “Affairs involving a young woman with blue hair who invited me round to the upstairs of her house.”  Bond was trying to make it sound like he meant something else in case Katy was outside the door, listening. Due to the awkward pause bond was very worried that Cathy had been the one to understand it as something else.

“Should I ask someone else?” Cathy asked. “No, I need to tell you something.” Replied Bond, “Remember the advice which helped us all not to… uh… keel over. Given by the doctor who did keel over. Yes, the one who we like to call ‘Doctor Keel… over.’  You know the advice. Take the pills. Don’t take the powder. What I’m saying is, don’t use the thing made of leaves… No, I haven’t gone mad, but I am kind of… uh… off my rocker. Do you- do you like periwinkles? You can find them in the river Hudson, you know.”  Bond then quickly rang off.

Cathy turned to look at Dom. They were both standing in Dom’s garage waiting for Letty. “So what’d he say?” asked Dom. “I’m not sure really.” Replied Cathy, “But I think he was trying to tell me that he’s in trouble. He said that he’s off his rocker and he mentioned periwinkles and the river Hudson.” “Periwinkles? How does that tell you he’s in trouble?”  “Perry. Hudson. You know.”  “No, I don’t think I do.”  Cathy now realised that Dom had no clue about what had been happening with Katy. This whole time he had been completely oblivious.

“There’s this woman called Kathryn Hudson, but she calls herself Katy Perry.”  “Oh yeah, I like her music.”  “Her music is kind of irrelevant to her nowadays. She’s become one of the most dangerous foes me and my husband have ever faced. We thought we had beaten her twice before, but we were wrong. One time, we locked her up in a prison called CRACKED down in Soton-On-Sea, but she broke out along with all the other prisoners. The second time, we literally sent her to hell, with the help of Taylor Swift, but somehow she came back. She made a deal with the devil. She’s just impossible to get rid of.”

At that moment Letty sped in inside her car. She somehow managed to park neatly despite the speed she was driving at and then she got out. She walked up to Dom and kissed him.

“Oh,” said Cathy, “You two are…”  “Husband and wife.” Dom finished her sentence for her. “So you’re Letto Toretty, I mean, Letty Toretto?”  “No, I’m Letty Ortiz.”  “You said you were married though.”  “We are.”  “We got married in a different country.” Dom explained. “So within the walls of America, she’s technically still an Ortiz rather than a Toretto.”

“Where’s your ring?” asked Cathy, looking at Letty’s hands. “Oh,” replied Letty, “Well…”  “I forgot the ring during the ceremony, so we used this instead.” Dom said as he held up Letty’s necklace which had a cross on the end of it.

“That’s a nice necklace,” said Cathy, “But… Katy Perry.”  “Oh yes, I like her music.” Said Letty. Cathy groaned and began to explain about Katy again.