The Hellcat Horrors

The Hellcat Horrors is the second chapter in the Wombles Eight.

Down in hell, Katy Perry was on the floor being ruled over by everybody else. She was the lowest rank of all, clothed in tattered rags when a demon appeared. “Greetings, Miss Kathryn Hudson. The devil has somewhat of a…proposal for you, on account of a personal fandom. If you would please meet him in the throne room?”

Katy didn’t want to meet with the devil, but she was glad to take a break so came quite quickly and willingly. She saw the devil seated on his throne. “I have a deal for you.” He said. “So I heard.” She answered, throat dry from dread. “Why don’t you just spit it out and get on with it?”

The devil smiled. “I recognize that you have a sort of potential, to spread evil on the world. I like that. So you may return and have the most powerful, most wicked, most darkest magic there is on offer – if you agree to 20 years taken off the end of your life. Agreed?” “Agreed.”

A little while later, Venus arrived back in London where Katy, The Superlative Seven, Tara, Dora & Catwoman were waiting for her. “So where do we start?” asked Katy. “Well, we start by taking over Earth.” Said Venus. “That’s not what I meant!” snapped Katy.

Venus sighed and said, “OK, California Girl. Let’s start the briefing.”

By the time she’d finished, everyone was staring at her. “That’s a little overcomplicated, don’t you think?” asked Catwoman. “I’m sure we could still do it if we made it all purrrrfectly simple.”

“Simple evil genius is boring.” Replied Venus. Then she started choking because Katy had clasped her hands tightly around Venus’s neck. Black and red painted, long, super-sharp nails dug into it, drawing blood.

“I agreed to this alliance because I want multiverse domination. So you better let me get this straight, English jazz girl – I don’t trust anyone. Especially not somebody who wants to rule as much as I do. This suggests that they’re a treacherous, untrustworthy, psychotic snake of a person. I will trust you if you agree to make me the leader of this team. Agreed?”

“Of course…not!” retorted Venus while gasping for breath. “Okay, that’s decided then.” Said Katy and ordered Tara to take Venus to a hundred-foot drop and throw her down it. Tara did this and returned saying, “So where do we start, my Queen Katy?”

In the sewers of Soton, Seagirl was getting changed into ordinary clothes. When done, she began to head back home but suddenly she felt a sharp stab in the side of her neck. Everything blurred and then she was chained to the wall of an abandoned warehouse with multi-coloured bright lights flashing all around in her face like a disco.

Stephanie looked up sharply as a creepy old man walked in. “Good day, Miss Kingsley. I do hope you enjoy your visit. I’m here to cure you, you see.”

“Cure me? Cure me of what?” “Of insanity.” “What? I’m not insane!”

The man smiled, coldly and cruelly. “Oh, but you are. I’m going to prove it to you. I’m going to disorientate you to the point that you start questioning your own character. I’m going to bring in colleagues who anger you to the point that you start killing them like flies. I’m going to convince you of the truth so strongly that should you notice a mental hospital, you will run because secretly you know you belong there. You shall see, Miss Kingsley. You shall see.”

Meanwhile, Katy had taken her team to her mansion. They couldn’t really have used much else but that living-room due to the fact that The Superlative “Seven” actually consisted of 700 people.

“Now,” said Katy, who was lounging on the throne-like chair of pure gold and garnet with a blood-spattered tiger-skin rug over it. “First things first. We can’t have over 700 people in charge of the multiverse. We’d have 350 disagreements at once. I suggest we reduce the amount.” She laughed manically as soon as she finished this sentence.

“Well, who do you suggest keeping?” asked Tara. “I suggest we kill six hundred and ninety-seven of these Superlatives. And make it fun…slow…painful…torturous.” She laughed manically again and her green eyes glowed with magic.

Everyone got up off of their chairs. TSS started running  away, but the others only chased them. Tara killed 350 of them with her crystal-studded guns collection. Katy killed 350 of them with a kitchen knife, her bare hands and her magic. Dora killed 90 of them with several “borrowed” weapons. Catwoman killed 7 of them with whatever she found in the street, including a piece of a shattered bus stop. And so Katy, Catwoman, Tara, Dora & the remaining 3 members of TSS headed back to the mansion for a coffee break.

In Montreal…

Mal was half-dead. She saw a motorbike out of the corner of her eye. Slowly and awkwardly, she climbed onto it and whispered weakly, “Noble steel, proud and fair, you will take me anywhere.” Mal then raced off to London to warn the King and Queen about TSS since she’d rather given up on meeting The Secrets Broker.

Back in London…

Clary and Jace were in a café, catching up on their recent bizarre experiences. “So why were you in the sea of Soton?” asked Clary. “I don’t know,” said Jace. “I just woke up drowning and didn’t know why. What were you doing there?”

“A demon called Trigon tortured me slowly to death. He’d actually come to kill the King and Queen though. I have no idea why, though. I was in England because I got kidnapped by Cadmus after drawing myself a coffee. They moved from America. They hated aliens, metahumans and magic.”

“You sound remarkably calm about that.” Joked Jace. “Well…it’s all over now, isn’t it.” Said Clary. “I guess.” Said Jace. “Um…” said Clary, suddenly looking towards the café door. Jace looked and saw a tall girl with blue eyes and flowing black hair walking, who promptly marched straight over to them. “Jace! Clary! I’ve been looking for you for ages!” she said.

“Um…” said Clary. “Er…” said Jace. “Well, it’s hardly confusing, is it!” said the tall girl. “What are you doing here, Isabelle?” asked Clary, glancing at people in the café who seemed rather intrigued by their conversation. “I told you, I was looking for you, and it took, like, forever.” Replied Isabelle. “Well…yes.” Said Clary. “It would do.”

Back at New Steed Manor Steed, Cathy, Charlie and Emma were drinking brandy. The door burst open and an afro-carribean man rushed in. “My angel!” he shouted and embraced Emma. “I have a gift for you!”  He handed Emma a small beautifully wrapped box with a pretty ribbon around it.

“It’s wonderful!” swooned Emma “I love pretty boxes!”  Cathy slapped her forehead in amazement and Steed shook his head. Charlie wondered how she could have been captive with somebody who isn’t bright enough to open a present. “Open it my delightful one!” said the tall man whilst brushing his dreadlocks out of his face.

Emma finally opened the box. She looked inside and gasped. It was a nose! “It’s 24 carat gold set with diamonds, rubies, emeralds and sapphires!” enthused the man. “Paulykins! I LOVE IT!” shouted Emma and put on her new nose.

“Do you like it?” she asked the others. “You look like a vision beyond gold!” said Paul. “Er well it’s very nice if you don’t have a real nose. I guess” said Charlie. “Seriously?” said Cathy. “Shiny” said Steed. Just then the door burst open again.

“What’s with the crazy jewelled nose?” asked Gambit who had just crashed in. “It’s my new nose! From Paulykins!” swooned Emma. “Pauly who?” replied Gambit. “Kins man! Paulykins! The lucky husband to be of this slice of heaven!” said Paul. “Well I didn’t expect that” replied Gambit. “Anyhow down to business. I have heard a rumour.”

“A rumour of what?” asked Steed. “A threat” said Gambit. “Major?” asked Steed. “That’s you Steed but it’s big yes” said Gambit. He continued ignoring Paul and Emma being seriously syrupy with each other. “Katy Perry, Venus Smith, Catwoman, Tara Keel and Dora Aniston with an evil army ready to try and take the entire world.”  Gambit concluded and gave everybody his steeliest stare.

“Well that really is bad timing” said Steed. “We need to delegate” said Cathy. “Delegate man!” said Paul unhelpfully. “Quiet Paul! We’re being serious here.” Cathy scolded him. “Serious man!” he shouted. “I can help” Emma chimed in with a voice as sweet as honey. “But AFTER we get married sugar puff!” added Paul. “Mmmmmm” swooned Emma as the couple skipped away to plan their wedding.

Just afterwards the door burst open again. It was David Vincent. “It’s finished!” he announced. “Grand Steed Manor?” asked Cathy. “Yes all done!” replied David. “Then let’s go back home!” said Steed. Steed and Cathy raced Charlie and Gambit to get there. Steed drove his new McLaren supercar in racing blue, Gambit drove his Jaguar. They screeched to a halt just before the gate which had a yellow rover attached to it.

“We forgot David!” said Cathy. Bizarrely David appeared by their cars. He blipped a key fob and the gates smoothly opened. The yellow rover came in half as they parted. They screeched up to the door and marched in. Somehow David was already there.

It didn’t take long to get things under way on returning to Grand Steed Manor. “The first thing on the list is to have somebody look after the boring bits of running the country” said Cathy. “Anybody in mind?” asked Gambit. “Yes I have” replied Cathy. “Mother?” asked Steed. “No somebody greater than that” replied Cathy. “You mean that we are going put a Womble in charge?” asked Charlie. “Yes Great Uncle Bulgaria!” Cathy confirmed to the others. Steed called Womble HQ at Wimbledon.

“I’d like to speak with Great Uncle Bulgaria please” he asked the female womble. That was Alderney. “Who is it?” she asked. “The King” replied Steed. “OK just a minute then” replied Alderney. She transferred the call. “A call for you, it’s the King” she told GUB. “Ho hum! Put him on then” replied GUB. “Hello” said GUB. “Hello” replied Steed. “You’ve been promoted!”

“Promoted? I’m already in charge” replied GUB. “Not in charge of the country” replied Steed. “Congratulations Prime Minister Bulgaria!”  PMB was taken aback. “What about the government? I’ll need a team to help me” he said. Just then four men burst out of the shadows in his office.

“You just hired the A Team!” they shouted. “Ho Hum” said PMB. “You” he said pointing at Face “are minister for smooth talk”. “You” he said pointing at Hannibal “are minister for smoking”. “You” he said pointing at BA “are minister for muscliness”. “And finally you” he said pointing at Murdock “are minister for tigers and insanity”. The A Team got straight to work.

Murdock flew off in his helicopter to release all the captive tigers from zoos and private animal collections. BA ran around finding musclebound men for his crew. Hannibal smoked (outside because PMB banned smoking indoors). Face tried to con anybody he found except for women he was attracted to, who he dated instead.

PMB appointed his Wombles as ministers. Orinoco became minister for food. Alderney became minister for rebellion. Madame Cholet became minister for cooking. Wellington became minister for technology. Tomsk became minister for sports. Miss Adelaide became minister for education. Tobermory became minister for defence.

China became minister for fashion. Cousin Botany became minister for the environment. Idaho became minister for home affairs. Yellowstone became minister for foreign affairs. MacWomble became first minister of Scotland.

“Next on the list is honours” said Cathy after Steed had called PMB. She made a few calls. In a couple of hours there was a queue at the throne room door. Bungo came in. He was made Sir Bungo Womble for services to the Avengers. Freckles came in. She became Dame Freckles Steed for services to dogs. Mother came in. He became Sir Mother for services to brandy. James Bond came in. He became Sir Commander James Bond for secret services to soul reaping. Finally The Flash phased in to become Sir The Flash.

On the way out Sir Mother answered his phone. “Sir Mother” he said. “It’s me” replied the voice. “Sis?” he said. “Where are you?”  Father replied in a serious tone. “I’m at your place brother. We need to talk” she replied. Sir Mother sped home in his giant Bentley. Father was sitting down on the doorstep. The siblings walked in with serious expressions.