The Terrible Tale of Gambit Yes, Ha Ha, Hee Hee

The Terrible Tale of Gambit Yes, Ha Ha, Hee Hee is the fourteenth chapter in the Wombles Five.

“It started a long time ago. I was 14 years old and a raw recruit in the Navy. The Commander on the ship was mean and cruel. He picked me for all the filthy and back breaking jobs there were.” Gambit paused and Purdey interrupted. “I can break your back in three places!” she boasted. “I know. I only meant the jobs were hard and made backs very sore. I toiled for years on that ship. The HMS Bilgerat.”  Gambit paused again. “So you want sympathy Mike Gambit!” said Purdey. “No. I want to finish.” He replied. “OK, OK keep your hair on!” said Purdey.

Gambit continued. “Finally I snapped. There was only so much I could take. I was second in command by now. At about 25 years old. Just promoted to Captain. But that wasn’t a reason to stop trying to humiliate me. Not for him.”  Purdey interrupted. “Not for who?”  Gambit continued. “Bond” he replied. “Commander Bond?” asked Purdey. “Yes him. I had really had enough. So I did my face.”  “The one where you look like you might be angry but maybe not when you just stand there before you knock people out?” asked Purdey. “Yes Purdey. That would be the one. I did my face then I hit him hard. Very hard.” “He seems OK now” put in Purdey.

“Actually he’s in hospital after falling down from the sky in a submarine. But that isn’t the point. He was also in hospital after I hit him.”  “Very hard” interrupted Purdey. “Yes Purdey very hard. He was in a coma. They pronounced him dead. That is when I met his brother.”  “Brother? Bond has a Brother?” asked Purdey. “Yes Purdey Bond has a brother. His name is Mywordismy.” “Mywordismy Bond?” said Purdey. “Yes Purdey, Mywordismy Bond.” Gambit was getting a bit fed up with the interruptions and silly questions. “I wish it was Gambit but you always break promises.” Said Purdey.

“I break my promise in three places.” Replied Gambit. “First place Mrs Peel, you didn’t want to marry her. Second Mrs Peel, you said weren’t trying to kill her. And am I third?” asked Purdey. “No Purdey, I was joking. Mywordismy swore revenge on me and will destroy anything or anyone I care about.”  He paused again. Purdey interrupted again. “But Mike Gambit! Commander Bond didn’t die!”  “No Purdey but he was pronounced dead and only recovered five years later. He had to learn everything again as if he’d just been born. It was a miracle. Nobody had recovered like him before. He learned to walk, talk, drink Martini, shake not stir, spy, fight, drive, climb, everything in one year!”  Purdey interrupted. “So Mywordismy is still angry? Where is he now?”

“In my house! He is the madmen. He was in my house. Now he is pointing a sniper rifle at your head.” Finished Gambit not so dramatically. “The glass is bullet proof so don’t worry about that.” Replied Purdey. Just then Steed came in. “I’ll open this window I think. We need some air.”

In the hospital Bond, Decker, Murdock, B A, Face, Thomas and Lucy were in the military ward. “Drink this” said a nurse to Thomas. He did drink it then suddenly looked like his Dad. “Drink this” said the nurse to Lucy. Lucy suddenly looked like her Mum. Luckily they had been given pyjamas to fit an adult. “You crazy fool!” shouted B A to the nurse. “That was serum! And serum turns itty bitty babies to silly billy adults!”  He knocked out the nurse and everybody left the hospital.

Outside they were faced with a Vomble. “Baron Von Vomble!” said Bond. “Wrong!” said the Vomble. “He vas mein bruder! I am here for revenge! I am Zorin Von Vomble!”

Mrs Peel was talking to Meowy?what!is?going!on? & Meowywhite. Along with Meowy?what!is?going!on?, she just wanted to escape the black place. Meowywhite wanted to find & defeat Meowyblack. Everyone kept saying things like “I have no idea, what is going on?” & “It’s just how you say it!”

Purdey was now having a fight with Mywordismy. Eventually she knocked him out. “I can shoot him later.” She said out loud. “Anyway, Mike Gambit, you sneak! You were supposed to be explaining why you’re trying to kill Mrs Peel! Not why a stupid madman appeared in your Movie House!” Gambit sighed. “Well,” he said. “Partly because I thought she might kill you out the way, partly because she was the one who originally divorced me for Peter, and partly because I don’t believe her.” “Don’t believe her about what?” asked Purdey. “Having left SCAR.” Replied Gambit. “Oh.” Said Purdey. “Well, I believe her & I say we are friends & she’s NOT EVIL.” “Oh, alright.” Sighed Gambit.

“So now that’s sorted,” said Cathy. “We need to find Lara.” “Lara? Do you mean Tara?” asked Steed. “I mean Miss Lara King.” Said Cathy. “You mean Mrs Tara Keel?” asked Steed. “No!” said Cathy. “Lara is her twin sister. She is in the Canada branch of SCARE, in Toronto. She has come to London & started causing a load of trouble.” “Oh.” Said Steed. “Is she identical?” “Well, since I heard someone mistook Lara for Tara, I gather she is.” Replied Cathy.

Suddenly Tara came in, and an identical woman was following her. She didn’t seem to know. “Tara!” said Steed, Cathy & Purdey. “Lara!” said Katrina, Gambit & Mywordismy, who had woken up. Purdey shot him in the arm & the pain knocked him out again. “Lara?” asked Tara. “Hello, Tara.” Said Lara. Tara turned round & screamed. “Where did you come from?” she asked. “I came from Toronto, Tara.” Said Lara. “I run the Canada branch of SCARE, and I’ve been running your branch while you were away.” “But where did you come from, Lara?” asked Tara. “Toronto, like I said.” Replied Lara. “I’m your Canadian twin sister.” “What?” said Tara. “If we’re twins, how can you be Canadian & me be English?” “I have no idea.” Said Lara.

Some people who looked just like Cathy & Steed came in. Cathy looked at Steed. She could see easily from his confusion that he had nothing to do with it. “Do you have twins as well?” asked Purdey in astonishment. Then two more people who looked like Steed came in. Obviously, the original one was Thomas, with Lucy. The other two were Joe & Johnny The Horse. “Well, I have a twin called Johnny,” said Steed. “But Cathy doesn’t have any twins & the original one you saw isn’t Johnny. That’s our son Thomas, and the other is our daughter Lucy. It would seem someone gave them purple serum, which turns them like that.” “The nurse did.” Said Thomas. Mywordismy had woken up again. “That’s ridiculous!” he said. Purdey grabbed Steed’s bowler & used it to knock Mywordismy out. “Give that back!” said Steed & took it. “TARA & LARA ARE STILL HERE!” yelled Cathy & Katrina.

Mrs Peel watched as another cat came in. They were singing: “Meowykins, Meowykins, meowying free, the meowys of crimefighting common are we, making good use of the criminals we catch, criminals that we put in prison & latch” “Could I help?” they asked. “Maybe.” Said Mrs Peel. Then she thought. “You tiny cats can get in & out of here,” she said. “So you could go & tell the others-who are probably at Grand Steed Manor or take Gambit’s Movie House as a 2nd try-that Meowyblack has captured me. Try & memorise the way here. “Of course.” Said Meowykins, and headed off.

“Aren’t we actually going to arrest Mywordismy?” asked Steed. “No, you’re not” said Tara pointing a wig at them. “Why are you pointing a wig at us?” asked Cathy, confused. Tara looked at what she was holding and quickly changed it for a gun. “You can’t shoot us, you forgot your bullets.” Said Steed.

Lara gave Tara some bullets. “You forgot to take the safety catch off” said Steed. Tara took the safety catch off. “You forgot your glasses” said Steed. “What? I don’t wear glasses!” replied Tara.

“That’s right!!!!!” said a voice. Mr Chips leapt in, accidentally knocking out Tara and Lara.

Suddenly Colonel Decker came in. “Have you seen the A-Team? I was with them at the hospital, but then they left.” He said. Suddenly Meowykins danced in, singing the meowying song. “I haven’t seen the A-Team, no.” she said. “But the evil meowy named Meowyblack has returned!”  “Meowyblack?” said Steed. “Meowyblack?” said Cathy. “Meowyblack?” said Purdey. “Meowyblack?” said Gambit. “Meowyblack?” said Katrina. “Meowyblack?” said Colonel Decker. “Meowyblack?” said Mr Chips. “Meowyblack?” said Thomas. “Meowyblack?” said Lucy. “Meowyblack?” said Johnny. “Meowyblack?” said Joe.

“Yes, Meowyblack.” Replied Meowykins. “Come on, we have to find and defeat him!”  Steed didn’t want to have to defeat yet another person (or cat in this case) so quickly volunteered to take Mywordismy, Tara, and Lara to prison. Everyone else followed Meowykins. She led them to a beach and into a boat. The boat sailed for five miles then Meowykins led them out and into the ocean. Well at least, she tried to, but they all refused and said they would drown. Meowykins sighed. “Fine.” She said, and went in the water by herself.

She went right to the bottom and dug a deep hole. She went to the bottom of the hole and ended up in very dark place. Mrs Peel was there. “You were supposed to get the others!” she said. “Sorry, they wouldn’t come.” Replied Meowykins. “But I can get an army to help.” She jangled the bell on her collar then Meowythings, Meowy?what!is?going!on?, Meowywhite and three other meowys came along. “Who are you?” Mrs Peel asked the three others. “Har. Are mowy wa.” Said one of them. “Huh? What?” said Mrs Peel. “He means, ‘Hi. I’m Meowyroy.’” Explained Meowykins.

“Wime wowyweird.” Said another one. Mrs Peel blinked. “He means, ‘I’m Meowyweird.’” Explained Meowykins. The other one jumped up and said, “I’m Meowysoup!”  “O…K…” said Mrs Peel. “Now can you get me out of here?”  “Nort uh chaunce, mowy blork ward say iss.” Replied Meowyroy. Meowykins translated. “Not a chance, Meowyblack would see us.”  “Oh” replied Mrs Peel. “How will I get out then?”

“Wooooooooooow!” said a voice. “What’s so amazing?” asked Mrs Peel. “Wo, wow, wot wow!” replied the voice. “That’s Meowyweird, and he’s saying, ‘owwwwww! No, ow, not wow!’” said Meowykins.

Mrs Peel looked around and realised that she was treading on Meowyweird. “Whoops” she said and moved her foot. “Whew! Wif woo wad wept war woot where when woo would wav washed we!” said Meowyweird, and Meowykins translated. “Phew! If you had kept your foot there then you would have squashed me!”